British English vs. American English – sorry, Americans, but this is proper funny!

*Не воспринимайте прочитанное серьезно*

There is no such thing as ‘American English’. There is English and there are mistakes. Так считает даже мой муж, которому я вычитываю резюме и который не может правильно написать would’ve 🙈

О разнице между американским и британским английским можно узнать из скучных учебников, но мы сделаем по-другому. Предлагаю вам вместо этого несколько отрывков из сатирического письма англичан американцам (авторство иногда приписывают участнику «Монти Пайтон» Джону Клизу, но на самом деле это коллективное творчество). Больше всего их тревожит, конечно, судьба языка 😊

💂 There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.

💂 Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary.” Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed.” There will be no more ‘bleeps’ in the Jerry Springer show. If you’re not old enough to cope with bad language then you should not have chat shows.

💂 Check “aluminium” in the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you pronounce it. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’. Likewise you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters.

💂 You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas such as ‘Taggart’ will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.You must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is “Devon.” If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become “shires” e.g. Texasshire Floridashire, Louisianashire.

💂 You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.”

💂 The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

💂 The UK will harmonise petrol prices (or “Gasoline,” as you will be permitted to keep calling it) for those of the former USA, adopting UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon, get used to it).

Тем, кто оценил, предлагаю прочитать все письмо. А потом ответ Америки. В двух версиях. Ссылки ниже ⬇⬇⬇

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